Do you handle conflict well, or avoid it at all costs? Are you good or bad at handling your emotions under stress? What about communicating with inclusivity or dealing with change?

Think about how you use these tools every day – and then think about how your family used them when you were growing up. If you have a family that always worked through conflicts together, there’s a pretty good chance you’re more naturally talented at handling workplace conflict than, say, someone whose family never discussed conflict. A Harvard Business Review article titled “How Family Dynamics Shape Your Work” examined how often unbeknownst to us our childhood family experiences influence our work behavior.

It’s not the easiest thing in the world to recognize that some of our behavior might have been ingrained during childhood. We write off certain behaviors by saying “that’s just the way I am,” and we sometimes flat-out deny those behaviors.

The same goes for supervisors and colleagues. Do they communicate directly or indirectly? Do they encourage debates or shut them down?

If so, they might be repeating patterns that they learned during childhood. And in turn, their behavior might remind you of a parent’s or sibling’s behavior from your childhood, which affects how you respond.

What values and beliefs has your family passed on to you? Religion? Politics? Loyalty or hatred of certain sports teams?

If we can inherit those things from our families, it also means we learned from them how to have needs met, how to communicate and how to process emotions.

Can we do more than just accept or deny behaviors that cause us problems at work? Can we unlearn negative behavior from our upbringing?

We can, by realizing much of our personalities come from our family and upbringing.

If you think childhood issues are affecting you now, here are a few questions you might ask yourself.

1. Did your family speak their minds openly or keep a lot to themselves?
2. Did you feel comfortable expressing emotions among your family?
3. How did your parents respond to stressful situations?
4. Finally, what was your role within your family?

Then evaluate how you behave at work. It might help to ask a co-worker or friend you trust whether you’re committing any behaviors that might be worth changing. You might notice some patterns in early family events and how you behave now.

The final step is to make conscious changes. You can start doing that by simply beginning to act out new behaviors. Just starting to act in new ways can help you grow into and feel more comfortable with new behaviors.

All of this might seem like hard work, but it’s worth it. Once you know what childhood experiences have affected you, you can start to make improvements.

Pre-pandemic a feeling made popular through people's use of social media was FOMO or Fear of Missing Out. Viewing other people’s lives and activities could prompt a feeling that something was missing from our own. Well move over FOMO. The new Acronym is FONO. It means Fear of Normal.

Going back to work, being in a crowd, and leaving a “Covid cave of safety” as described by the California National Alliance of Mental Illness, turns out to not be an easy change for everyone. In a Today Show report, psychologist Deborah Serani said “This is a global example of re-entry after trauma”.

For something to be traumatic it is outside the realm of our normal experience, unexpected, and causes a shift in trust. The pandemic provided all three. It not only registered in our lives but in our mental health, creating on the back end a fear for many of returning to “normal”.

A June 2020 study on how the pandemic affected mental health found 40% of respondents were affected by the pandemic. 26.3% experienced symptoms of trauma disorder and 13.3% started or increased use of a substance to cope.

These statistics are not good, yet they reveal something real.

Supportiv.com promotes, “Keep in mind that we’re all re-entering to different degrees and under different circumstances…No matter where you stand you may have lost the habits that kept you functional in the pre-pandemic world.”

How can we help ourselves and others during this time so we do not fall prey to FONO?

Paint a picture

Describe how you think things are looking going forward. What is staying the same, and what is changing? What does the post-pandemic world look like? How is the new normal in your best interest? How will it benefit you? When you identify what the benefits are, you’re far less likely to dwell on fears.

Listen

You can’t totally alleviate your fears if you don’t know what they are. It might help to meet one-on-one with someone and share concerns. What behaviors and habits have felt harder upon re-entering public society? When concerns are expressed, repeat them back to each other to confirm them. From there, you can address your fears and other's fears with compassion.

Celebrate small wins and respond calmly to mistakes

Take the time to acknowledge steps towards moving forward. Discuss how you are navigating and overcoming issues and point out the positive impact that the changes are having on you and others. This will provide you and others with positive affirmation to keep going. On the flip side, take mistakes in stride. Mistakes will happen, especially when adjusting to a new routine. That’s okay.

Is there anything we control that reduces pain, releases toxic emotions, regulates stress, improves sleep quality and builds professional commitment? Research has found there is, and it is a timely topic for November. It is gratitude.

Some of us are naturally more grateful than others due to the neuro-chemical differences in our central nervous system. Yet all of us can employ gratitude, and the benefits are many. Just expressing gratitude will start to change the neural structures in our brains. That in and of itself influences happiness. What about those other benefits mentioned?

• Reducing Pain: A study called Counting Blessings vs. Burdens found that 16% of patients who kept a gratitude journal reduced pain symptoms and were more willing to work with treatment procedures.
• Releases Toxic Emotions: Emotions are neural activations in the neocortex part of the brain. A study on people seeking mental health guidance discovered the group who wrote letters of gratitude along with counseling recovered sooner. It also found anxiety and depression were reduced.
• Regulates Stress: A study on gratitude and appreciation found that participants who felt grateful showed a marked reduction in their levels of cortisol, the stress hormone.
• Improves Sleep: Simple acts of kindness activate the hypothalamus which when regulated, also regulates and improves sleep.
• Professional Commitment: Studies found grateful workers are more efficient, productive, and responsible. Managers who convey gratitude have more cohesive teams.

Researchers also revealed information on gratitude’s influence on anxiety and resilience. One study of 83 Chinese adults over 60 years in age divided the group into three parts. One group wrote gratitude notes, one group was asked to write about their worries and the last group was given a neutral task.

After the task, all of the groups were exposed to stimuli arousing death anxiety. Participants in the first group who wrote gratitude notes showed fewer symptoms of death anxiety. The study showed with a grateful attitude we become less fearful of the future.

Another study published in the International Journal of Social Psychiatry found a positive correlation between gratitude and resilience. The participants who felt more gratitude and practiced gratitude journaling were emotionally stronger than those that didn’t. Resilience was seen in their sense of autonomy, problem solving, empathy, and forgiveness.

These are just a few of the correlations of gratitude cited in the article “The Neuroscience of Gratitude”.

The results of research are proof enough that being grateful not only influences those around us, it strengthens our ability to cope, to manage stress and to live in the healthiest and happiest way possible. Expressing gratitude through journaling, acts of kindness, and thoughtful words allows us to acknowledge others, and gives us back a feeling of control of our world and our circumstances. Definitely worth the effort.